I'm digging deep. But not deep enough. My well is dry. Talked out. Touched out. I just want out.
I want to do better. Sleep better. Teach better. Love better. Feel better. Be better.
But I am enough. I do enough. I sleep enough. I teach enough. I love enough. I feel enough. I am enough.
If that's true then why do I feel so...blank. Frustrated? Un prepared? Strangled? Stunted?
If we had insurance I'd be medicated. A daily 50mg Zoloft would take the edge off. But it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't help me dig.
We watch too much tv. Turn it off, you say. But then what do I do? If I let my mind sit it goes to ugly places. Questioning everything. Trusting nothing.
I want routine, but I don't want to enforce it. And I don't have anyone else to do it for me.
I'd walk away, but I'd only get out the door before turning around and running back in. I'd dive in front of a bullet for these people, but right now I'd like to be far away from them.