Icky ears and feelings

I've been digging deep. Which is good because the smallest babe has an earache and a close marriage is rocky.

First earache needing antibiotics in our house. Screaming nights and naughty days. Hopefully the pink goo will have her feeling better soon. So I can sleep. And she doesn't hurt.

My folks split 9ish years ago and it's wasn't pretty. Is it ever? I thought this couple was rock solid, not like a rock slide. They patched after some ugly last year and then failed again almost exactly a year later. Not sure what the plan is. Keep trying again? I'm not supposed to know, which is odd... Could communication be THE issue? Isn't is always?

Makes my tummy icky. Makes me question everything in my own marriage. Makes me want to do better in my marriage. But how?

I am surrounded by good examples too. Two couples I can think of in particular. I need to snuggle up and watch them and learn. Soak up the good and learn from the bad if I can. And nag my husband to do the same. Oh, that isn't good for marriages? Well shit.

Digging Deep

I'm digging deep. But not deep enough. My well is dry. Talked out. Touched out. I just want out.

I want to do better. Sleep better. Teach better. Love better. Feel better. Be better.

 But I am enough. I do enough. I sleep enough. I teach enough. I love enough. I feel enough. I am enough.

If that's true then why do I feel so...blank. Frustrated? Un prepared? Strangled? Stunted?

If we had insurance I'd be medicated. A daily 50mg Zoloft would take the edge off. But it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't help me dig.

We watch too much tv. Turn it off, you say. But then what do I do? If I let my mind sit it goes to ugly places. Questioning everything. Trusting nothing.

I want routine, but I don't want to enforce it. And I don't have anyone else to do it for me.

I'd walk away, but I'd only get out the door before turning around and running back in. I'd dive in front of a bullet for these people, but right now I'd like to be far away from them.

Today I start digging deeper. Much deeper.

Expectations

I want to feel comfortable. In my skin, my blog, my couch, my life. I don't. In any of those.

My skin has carried two babies and too many pounds over the last few years and it's tired. And it likes chocolate. A lot. And doesn't like veggies. At all. Except for grilled zucchini.

I like to write. I love it actually. But I'm not great a grammar or spelling so I second guess my self. My husband is a great writer and is excellent with grammar and spelling. One helpful comment from him and I stop writing for a month. Or more.

My couch is busted and sinks too far to the floor. It was a 'gift'. When my mom moved far away she gave us her couch. It was nice when she gave it to us but we have two dogs and two kids and not enough energy to care if they jump on it. I'm afraid I'll fall through it to the crumbs and lost toys underneath.

We don't make enough money and that consumes all of this life. Our family helps us with bills every month. I'm 30, not 18. We are under employed. My husband has a great job, but it's not enough hours. We don't have health insurance. We are on public assistance. My sister gifted us dog food for Christmas. That's not comfortable. None of it.

I want this blog to be comfortable. For you and me. Mostly me. What can I do to make you more comfortable?