Middle of the road

I'm stuck in the middle. I'm socially liberal, but I go to church. I believe in Jesus and equal rights. I follow Jesus and go to drag shows.

I love Jesus and I love the gays. Jesus never said a word (at least not one that was recorded in the Bible) about homosexuality so I don't feel I have a place to say anything either. He did say to love your neighbor. Everyone of them. Not just the straight ones. Not just the pretty ones. Not just the church going ones. Not just the ones like me. Everyone. So I try to.

But...

It puts me in this weird place. I spend time with my homosexual friends and family and I spend time with my church going friends, but don't feel like I can mix all of them. I always feel like I'm representing the other when I'm with one.

My beliefs don't go along with many church beliefs. But they do follow Jesus' and that's what truly matters. I'm okay with that. I do not think religion is the way to heaven. Jesus is. So, I hold strong to Jesus and my gay friends and family and know in my heart I'm doing right by all of them.

Jesus is totally bad ass and so are the kings and queens I'll be performing with in April. That's right. I'm manning up and performing in a drag show! My sister and I will be preforming together. I'm equally excited and scared. I love the attitude at the shows and can't wait to be part of it! I have NO idea how I'm going to make this curvy busty body look manly, but I'll try to rock the sock in my pants and make it happen. Maybe I'll wear a 'Jesus loves you' shirt or something...

Night night

Our oldest slept in our bed until she was 17 months old and wanted out. She never looked back. Same attitude with potty learning. Woke up and said 'no diapers'. Done. I was hoping that it was my amazing parenting abilities, but since our second is 29 months and still in our bed half or more of the night I'm starting to wonder. She starts off in her own bed but by midnight she's crawling in with us dragging her pillow and at least 3 binkies with her. Right now I'm sitting next to her bed waiting for Mr. Sandman to arrive. Which is actually really creepy. Never mind. If you were here you'd hear this:

2yo: me not really really tired. Me go downstairs. Me go yesterday!

30yo: it's dark now. That means time for bed.

2yo: abcdfg sing abc's. See me sing mom?

30yo: yes. Good job. Time to sleep.

2yo: I sleep yesterday! Not really really tired today! Me love daddy!

30yo: it's time to sleep.

2yo: abcdfg I sing abc's to daddy not to mommy.

And so on. Some nights it's over an hour. Some nights it's 10 minutes. Some nights it feels like forever because there's homemade key lime pie downstairs and I really really want it yesterday!

Poor pitiful

Part of why I started (another) blog is to relieve my family from some of the drama that is trapped in my brain. It's not all doom and gloom, but lately that's been the theme so that's what you're getting.

I'm going to try to add in fun stuff. Later I hope to post about some of the preschool stuff we so here at home. Diversify the blog a bit.

Here's a cute picture to help you in the meantime. The kids have colds and we had to visit the doc so they got/had to wear masks.

Icky ears and feelings

I've been digging deep. Which is good because the smallest babe has an earache and a close marriage is rocky.

First earache needing antibiotics in our house. Screaming nights and naughty days. Hopefully the pink goo will have her feeling better soon. So I can sleep. And she doesn't hurt.

My folks split 9ish years ago and it's wasn't pretty. Is it ever? I thought this couple was rock solid, not like a rock slide. They patched after some ugly last year and then failed again almost exactly a year later. Not sure what the plan is. Keep trying again? I'm not supposed to know, which is odd... Could communication be THE issue? Isn't is always?

Makes my tummy icky. Makes me question everything in my own marriage. Makes me want to do better in my marriage. But how?

I am surrounded by good examples too. Two couples I can think of in particular. I need to snuggle up and watch them and learn. Soak up the good and learn from the bad if I can. And nag my husband to do the same. Oh, that isn't good for marriages? Well shit.

Digging Deep

I'm digging deep. But not deep enough. My well is dry. Talked out. Touched out. I just want out.

I want to do better. Sleep better. Teach better. Love better. Feel better. Be better.

 But I am enough. I do enough. I sleep enough. I teach enough. I love enough. I feel enough. I am enough.

If that's true then why do I feel so...blank. Frustrated? Un prepared? Strangled? Stunted?

If we had insurance I'd be medicated. A daily 50mg Zoloft would take the edge off. But it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't help me dig.

We watch too much tv. Turn it off, you say. But then what do I do? If I let my mind sit it goes to ugly places. Questioning everything. Trusting nothing.

I want routine, but I don't want to enforce it. And I don't have anyone else to do it for me.

I'd walk away, but I'd only get out the door before turning around and running back in. I'd dive in front of a bullet for these people, but right now I'd like to be far away from them.

Today I start digging deeper. Much deeper.

Expectations

I want to feel comfortable. In my skin, my blog, my couch, my life. I don't. In any of those.

My skin has carried two babies and too many pounds over the last few years and it's tired. And it likes chocolate. A lot. And doesn't like veggies. At all. Except for grilled zucchini.

I like to write. I love it actually. But I'm not great a grammar or spelling so I second guess my self. My husband is a great writer and is excellent with grammar and spelling. One helpful comment from him and I stop writing for a month. Or more.

My couch is busted and sinks too far to the floor. It was a 'gift'. When my mom moved far away she gave us her couch. It was nice when she gave it to us but we have two dogs and two kids and not enough energy to care if they jump on it. I'm afraid I'll fall through it to the crumbs and lost toys underneath.

We don't make enough money and that consumes all of this life. Our family helps us with bills every month. I'm 30, not 18. We are under employed. My husband has a great job, but it's not enough hours. We don't have health insurance. We are on public assistance. My sister gifted us dog food for Christmas. That's not comfortable. None of it.

I want this blog to be comfortable. For you and me. Mostly me. What can I do to make you more comfortable?